


Strike

by soul_writerr



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bucket List, Getting Together, Introspection, Love Confessions, M/M, Phone Calls, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/pseuds/soul_writerr
Summary: At some point during his pouring of wants and wishes, his best kept secret had managed to sneak out. Squished between other two items on the list, smaller than the rest but heavier in its meaning, were the words Rafael wished he could take back. He wished he hadn’t made himself the promise to do this - because now he was going to have to do it.Tell Carisi the truth.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 32
Kudos: 123
Collections: April 2020 Barisi Bingo





	Strike

**Author's Note:**

> Here's square two of my bingo column! Prompt: "bucket list"
> 
> Enjoy <3

He remembered sitting down and writing this list; it’d been 30 minutes of letting his feelings speak over his rational thoughts. His heart poured out hopes and dreams he’d had for years,  _ decades _ even, but that he’d put off for things he’d deemed more important then.

He allowed work to push down his wishes, his innermost wants, and wore the excuse of ‘no time’ like a badge of honor. But during those 30 minutes, he’d finally let himself want and dream. 

Leaving the DA’s office had been what’d done it. Rafael no longer had the excuses; on the contrary, he had an abundant amount of time and nothing to do with it. So he tore a page out of his “to buy” list and sat down on his kitchen island, golden pen in hand. 

Rafael took a deep breath and let it all flow out of him. 

He ended up with a list of about 25 items that day and now here he was in his kitchen island again, almost a year later, the list complete. He’d done it - from the silly to the serious, from the easy to the difficult. From singing in a choir to spending a month in Spain, from reading 10 books in a month to learning to drive, from growing a beard to not wearing a suit for a week (which quickly became 3 months).

In his journey to complete his bucket list, Rafael had met amazing people and made new friends, he’d learn new things about himself, and even rekindled his love for clothes. He found that the Spanish tradition of having a  _ siesta  _ after lunch followed him back to New York, and having a beard suited him and was better than shaving every day. 

So he smiled, pleased, while looking at his bucket list.

_ Almost  _ complete.

Rafael kept lying to himself, pretending he’d done everything he’d set out to do. But there was still one item left to be crossed out. 

At some point during his pouring of wants and wishes, his best kept secret had managed to sneak out. Squished between other two items, smaller than the rest but heavier in its meaning, were the words Rafael wished he could take back. He wished he hadn’t made himself the promise to do this - because now he was going to have to do it.

_ Tell Carisi the truth _ .

It screamed at him; all year, it’s been there, on the list, in his heart, on his mind. He’d always failed when it came to fighting against the force that was Sonny Carisi; he’d failed the first time they met, when his eyes followed the Detective around the room, he’d failed last year, when he left SVU but still held onto the memories of him, and he was failing now.

Rafael’s list of excuses not to do this ran much deeper than saying he’d travel next time he managed to request vacation days, it was even more delusional than telling himself that if he ordered books online he’d read them soon. 

He’d told himself a thousand reasons why he couldn’t pursue Detective Carisi, but none of them were good enough to shake him off. Carisi clung to him - or did he cling to Carisi? - in a way that left a mark, and it showed here, clear as day, in a list full of things he’d wanted to do for years.

So he was going to finish this list; he was going to strike out the last item. The good thing about abandoning his career and turning his back on the connections he’d made then was that he had nothing to lose. 

Rafael hadn’t stayed in contact with him - Carisi had called, multiple times, especially during the first month after he left. Rafael only picked up once, telling him he was off to Spain, and had no idea when he’d be back. That had been the last time they talked, Carisi wishing him a nice trip, asking him to send pictures, and Rafael willing his heart to stop thumping in his chest.

That month in Spain had been a revelation in many ways, but it did nothing to wash Sonny Carisi off of him. So there was nowhere to run, he was going to do this.

With a shaking hand, Rafael poured himself half a glass of Scotch and took a big gulp before pulling out his phone and finding Carisi’s number. Part of him thought the Detective wasn’t going to pick up; he considered that Carisi might have found someone, that he might be at home, making them dinner, or curled up with them on the couch.

Rafael swallowed down another gulp of his drink as the line rang. This wasn’t about that, he just needed Carisi to  _ know _ . He had to tell him the truth. 

“Barba?,” came Carisi’s surprised greeting before Rafael even realized the call had connected.

He set his glass down. “Hi,” he said, hoping his voice sounded stronger than he felt. “I’m back.”

“Oh, wow. You’ve been in Spain all this time? How was it?”

“No, no, I was only there for a month,” Rafael said, then grimaced at what that actually revealed - that he’d been avoiding Carisi. “It was what you’d expect, lively, beautiful, the best food.”

“Ah,” there was a pause, and Rafael heard some shuffling. There was no background noise, and he thought that maybe Carisi was alone. “Well, it’s good to hear from you.” 

“I--,” he started, then stopped to take a deep breath. There was some more shuffling, louder this time, and Rafael recognized the sound of papers being sorted. “Are you at the precinct?” 

Carisi chuckled. “No. You wouldn’t believe how much can change in a year, Rafael.”

But Rafael  _ did  _ know just what could happen, how much  _ had _ happened, that was why he was making this call, after all.

“What does that mean? Did you quit?”

“You could say that,” there was another chuckle, a light laugh. “I’m an ADA now.”

Rafael felt his jaw drop, but he was elated. “You made the switch.”

“I did, my badge now lies somewhere in a box down at 1PP, may it rest in peace,” Carisi said jokingly, and it was Rafael’s turn to laugh.

“I don’t know, they might have passed it on to another mustached Staten Island cop.”

Carisi gasped for effect. “That’s treason!” 

“Yeah, I can’t picture any other eager to please Italian boy being 0188,” he smiled, glad to fall into their familiar back and forth again.

“You remember my badge number?,” Carisi asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

Rafael swallowed hard. “You flashed it around my office how many times?”

“Fair.”

There was a longer pause now, and Rafael braced himself for the moment he’d been building up to.

“There’s a reason why I called,” he started. “I need to tell you something.”

“Okay, I’m all ears,” Carisi said, eager as always.

“I wish I could have said something sooner, but I really couldn’t,” he started, hands shaking. “Not while we worked together, not while there was so much at stake. I hope you don’t hate me for doing this now, but this past year I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, about  _ you _ , and I promised myself I was going to tell you the truth.”

“Rafael,” Carisi breathed; it sounded like an oath. “Are you sure you want to do this through the phone?” 

“I--,” he swallowed again. “I don’t know.” 

“I think I’d like to hear it in person.”

Rafael allowed himself to hope. “Forlini’s?”

“I’ll see you there in 20,” he said, and Rafael heard shuffling again, quicker now, hurried. “And Rafael?”

“Yeah?”

“Me, too.”

The next morning, Rafael pulled himself from Sonny’s tight embrace and left him sleeping in his bed, just for a few seconds, while he padded into the kitchen quietly, picked up his pen, and crossed the last item off his list. 


End file.
